Dissociate Fugue

(Note: This is a little something from the archives. I am frightfully busy at the moment, but I hate to let this blog hang. Instead I will throw out some old, yet still fantastically hilarious material. Enjoy, rinse, repeat!) As I jumped in the car for a late night run for baby formula and bourbon, I flipped on the radio to find that it was on my wife's favorite station. The DJ greeted me with "here's the latest from Toby Keith called 'Get My Drink On'". Wow, that man is a modern day Mark Twain. I therefore have compiled a list of song titles I fully expect to be included on his next release. 1. Cousin' Fuckin' 2. Blinded By Your Love (And Moonshine) 3. Let's Pretend You Said Yes 4. Mamma Got Her GED 5. I Eat Squirrel! 6. I'm So American I Shit Eagles 7. Do You Still Have My Boot In Your Ass? (I Need It Back) 8. Drivin' My Truck (All Fucked Up) 9. I'm So Country That I'm Borderline Retarded. Apparently he is also starting a c

In celebration of the upcoming election, here are some statements that probably were nixed by prudent campaign managers early on. Kiss your baby? I’ll kiss anything. Hell, I’ll kiss your dog…all over! No, I do not fart. I have never farted. My opponent farts quite a bit I hear. Not that I hear when he…next question please. I exist on a strict diet of veal and fetal pigs. …now, in my time, cock fighting was not technically illegal . When is Andy Gibb going to put out another album? That boy is talented! I feel that my urge to kill would be a tremendous asset in leading this country to victory over every other country in the world. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and…uh…how did the rest of that crack head’s song go? …and that is why I believe my opponent is a witch.

A doll baby covered in crushed pork rinds Half a can of Campbell’s condensed cream of mushroom soup and a dog whistle A bamboo back scratcher and a back issue of Car & Driver A Polaroid of your Grandmother and a Matchbox car A milk jug full of urine you found on the side of the road A piece of celery stuffed with goat cheese Finger cymbals and two saltines Anything described as “Fudgy” One ear of Indian corn and a balsa wood airplane Your eight-grade report card and 2 empty butane lighters A Culture Club cassette and an old pair of “Jams”

Seriously! Did you not see me coming? Jesus, there wasn’t even anyone behind me! Tell me you couldn’t have waited! Holy shit, what is that smell! Ugh. Is it my car? God, I hope not. Come on guy! Is this a parade? The little kids are looking at you because they expect you to throw out candy! Go faster! Seriously, what is that fucking smell? Not only do you have to cut me off and drive so slow you might go backwards at any second but your car smells like total ass! In fact, if I could hook up a hose from my nose to the crack of my ass I would right now. That would be Glade compared to this shit. Speaking of Glade, what is the deal with the lying woman in the new Glade advertisements? Is Glade not good enough? Why does she fucking buy Glade then? “Cheryl thanks for the soda. Is this Pepsi?” “Umm…no. It’s some very rare beverage from South Africa!” “Cheryl, I can see the bottle from here. It’s Pepsi” “Oh, that was from earlier. No, this is um…Africola.” “For Christ’s sake

3 Chiclets and a spool of red thread Half a peanut-butter sandwich and a Halls cough drop A deflated soccer ball and a dime found on the ground A compilation DVD of Shirley Temple movies and half a Gatorade Blueprints to a dog house and a Yorkshire terrier A small bag of confetti and a really good gazpacho recipe Funyuns One incomplete jigsaw puzzle and two pieces of a Kit-Kat bar A nearly empty toothpaste tube and a broken piñata A tap dance from a hobo and three black checkers A placemat from Denny's and four packets of Sweet N' Low

Sometimes, laughter is NOT the best medicine. Especially during a rectal examination When people say that something is as fun as a barrel of monkeys, I would assume they mean LIVING monkeys. Although I think that those are more expensive. Maybe they should say “as expensive as a barrel of living monkeys”, unless you got them on a discount because only a few were dead, or they were diseased. I think the most frightening phrase anyone can say is “I was thinking about you the other night”. Because…God knows what those freaks may have been doing. Like the time I was doing naked chin-ups on my fire escape and I started thinking about my high-school English teacher. Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. The English language is so interesting. Like the way the same word can be used in different ways. People are fine when you talk about how the chicken is “smothered” in gravy or your mother “smothered” you with kisses…but not the way your ex-wife was “smothered” with a pillow. Craz